[Editor’s note: Igloo, the cooler brand, recently held an emergency all-hands corporate meeting to refocus efforts on its Barrel of Fun 2 Gallon Jug in the hopes of dethroning the hugely trendy Stanley Quencher Travel Tumbler as the water bottle du jour. This is a leaked copy of the minutes from an internal presentation by VP of marketing Todd Kingsley.]
TODD KINGSLEY: Mates, I’ll lower proper to the chase. Igloo’s future is in peril. We’re behind. We’re second-rate. We’re shedding the water bottle wars to a clunky journey mug with a threat of lead poisoning.
But, this factor is right this moment’s must-have, hashtaggable moveable hydration accent. Children take Quenchers to highschool. Twenty-somethings drink oat lattes out of Stanley Quenchers at work. Celebrities carry them to spin class! I ask you this: Why? And why not Igloo?!
Todd gestures towards a gaggle of interns, some overtly weeping.
These in Gen Z are the actual victims right here. What sort of drinkware are they inheriting? Gen Z deserves higher. Look, I’m 46, however I actually get the Z technology. Gen Z doesn’t need to quench; Gen Z needs to have enjoyable! In truth, they need… BARRELS OF FUN.
An intern tosses a Barrel of Enjoyable to Kingsley. In fluid movement, he catches it, heaves it above his head and smashes it down on prime of the Stanley Quencher, hoping to flatten the mug like a pancake. The cooler bounces off the mug and instantly again into his palms. Todd slams the cooler down once more, and the identical factor occurs. In a panic, he kicks the Quencher offstage, a transfer that’s later revealed to have damaged his massive toe, and shortly spins his mistake.
Ha! Good luck redeeming the lifetime guarantee on THAT Quencher—if you could find it! It might be “indestructible,” but it surely’s no match for…
The Igloo Barrel of Enjoyable 2 Gallon! It’s the brand new “it” water bottle—and the final “it” water bottle! Say goodbye to the Quencher and so lengthy to Stanley! The B.O.F. is BIGGER. It’s big! Two full gallons. That’s six and a half Quenchers, or twice the day by day really helpful water consumption for a mean human. Gen Z could not ever have the ability to purchase houses, however this proper right here is sufficient actual property to alter their lives.
It’s extra handy, too! Oh, does the Quencher have a widdle deal with? Of us, the B.O.F.’s deal with is made to be carried with each palms, which, by the best way, is actually important when it’s filled with water. And that deal with folds down, as a result of… the B.O.F.’s extensive lid doubles as a seat. You possibly can’t sit on the Quencher—it’d harm method an excessive amount of!
Stanley claims its Quencher is eco-friendly as a result of it reduces plastic bottle use. Properly then, think about the B.O.F. additional eco-friendly as a result of it saves method, far more than a tiny bottle. It’s so capacious and versatile that it’ll cut back—nay, exchange—suitcases! Toddler bathtubs! Orchestral percussion devices! Even pet crates! And, after all… barrels!
The B.O.F. saves gasoline, too. Your morning commute simply bought B.O.F.-ed! Flip yours on its facet, step on prime and roll your well beyond site visitors like a modern-day logger!
Talking of journey, individuals say the Quencher is “excellent” as a result of it suits in a automobile’s cup holder. WHO CARES?? The B.O.F. has to buckle instantly into the passenger seat—it’s safer than a Quencher!
And have you ever seen these Stanley shoulder straps? Yeah, actual cute. The B.O.F. is simply as moveable, because of an all-new, military-grade, full-body harness carrying system, which evenly distributes weight to stop most “sloshing.” Or, go for the last word accent: the B.O.F. All-Terrain Wheelbarrow Attachment!
The Quencher is dishwasher-safe, however the B.O.F. doesn’t want dishwashers! Simply seize a hose and provides it a rinse every so often.
And the way about these dumbass straws?! Information flash: Gen Z hates straws nearly as a lot as sea turtles do! Properly, I’ve bought one phrase for you… SPIGOT, child! No extra pipe cleaners, no extra sore cheeks!
The group of execs goes wild. Everybody chugs water from Barrels of Enjoyable. The CEO rips off his shirt and lets out a primal scream earlier than a marching band—its drums changed with Barrels of Enjoyable—bursts by means of the doorways, blasting “We Are the Champions.” Viewers members carry Kingsley onto their shoulders and cheer.
Mates, we can not lose with the B.O.F.!! If they need larger, we’ve bought larger! If they need plastic, we’ve bought plastic! It’s the outsized, unwieldy water bottle the individuals need!! Please inform me you’re recording this! If anybody has contact data for any influencers, e-mail me!!
